A New Year

The end of one year and the start of another is always a great time to reflect. And by “great” I mean a marked moment to set aside to look back, not necessarily great fun. Regardless of how good or bad things are, I think it’s important to take the time to look back at what worked or didn’t, what you learned, how you grew, and then use that information to set hopes and intentions for the year ahead.

The end of 2018 was tough for me as far as this whole “reflecting” thing goes. I wrote a whole post about it at the time, stating the importance of holding our plans loosely.

“As I get ready to step into 2019, I’m still dreaming and hoping for things. There are goals both in my mind and written on paper. But He’s taught me to hold them loosely. He’s asking me to step alongside Him as we walk out this year together. Surrendered to Him and His plans, trusting Him as we go. I’m hopeful for the year ahead. I’m expectant and excited to see what He will do and where He will bring me. I’m anticipating knowing Him in new ways, and I’m praying I will continue to believe that His way is better than anything I could dream up. I’m praying that for you, too. Let’s set goals. Let’s dream big dreams. Let’s step into our callings. And let’s not forget who is the author of our stories, and whose ways are higher than our own.”

It’s ok to plan and dream, but it’s even more important to surrender all of that over to the One who knows the big picture. We have to be ok even if all the things in our plans don’t work out. Because our hope can’t be tied to plans or dreams or circumstances. The only thing that will hold us firmly is Him. Jesus plus nothing.

Just when you think you’ve learned so much and you’re really starting to get a grasp on this life thing, you realize that would be impossible. There’s always more to learn. There’s always room for maturing. There’s always something else to trust Jesus with. I’d even venture to say that the more we start trusting Him the more we see areas where we need to trust Him.

Over the last two years I have had my sense of security taken away from me. Starting with my health and hopes for my future, which resulted in an up and down battle through fear and anxiety. I’m still facing that because my BRCA mutation isn't suddenly healed and gone. So that fear monster rears its ugly head every time I find myself in the waiting room for another doctors appointment. Learning to cope with daily fear that not many could relate to takes a toll on your emotional and mental health. It’s good but hard to be constantly reminding yourself that “if not He is still good”. I’m thankful for that hope, but having faith and having to renew your mind is freaking rough some days. It’s hard because we can’t just wallow in the funk. Our very spirits cry out to Him even when our thoughts wreck havoc.

That sense of security has gotten shaky in other areas of my life where I’ve had to learn to be confident in who I am. I am learning to not need the validation of others for the way I feel or the opinions I have (enneagram 9 probs. and just “Hannah” probs). I have learned that my wellbeing and day to day joy cannot be placed in relationships or people. Friendships are good and wonderful and meant to be very life-giving. When things happen that fracture or just completely end those relationships, it can be devastating. Walking through those trials can wreck your emotional well being. I have never questioned myself more than I have over the last year. And don’t get me wrong, questioning is not a bad thing. We should always pause and look at our own sin and our own contribution when things go awry in relationships. But we have to trust that if we are truly seeking those answers from Jesus, He will be faithful to reveal them to us. In HIS time. He is not going to leave us hanging. He doesn't want us to problem solve our lives on our own. He wants us to come to Him. And to keep coming to Him. We are told to renew our minds (Romans 12:2) because they will always need renewing. So do ask Him to help examine things in your life, but don’t spiral into total self-doubt and in turn start relying on your self or others and not on Him. And the things He lovingly points out to you, the things you need to hand over to Him for refining and maturing? Accept them. Trust Him with them. And He who began a good work in you will see it to completion (Philippians 1:6).

I’ve also learned that there can be a great purpose in circumstances we think are bad or wrong. Our human minds cannot grasp His infinite plans. He knows how every story ends. And our definition of “hard” is not the same as His. We aren't meant to know how everything will turn out. Or the “why” behind every circumstance. That would be a burden too big for us to carry. There’s a reason He didn’t want Adam and Eve (or us) eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That was a weight He wanted to carry for us. Life (in perfect communion with Him) is what He wants for us.

Some of this hopefully made sense, but I know some of it was vague too. I’m using this space to sort through and process things without going greatly into detail of things that are for me and Jesus, and not for the internet. But what I really want you to know is that if you find yourself struggling with these changes in seasons, you’re not alone. It has felt entirely too difficult to make myself sit down and “reflect”. Because the emotions are still raw. I don’t have it all figured out. I am still struggling with the things I’m learning and the paths He is taking me on. And I don’t know where they’re leading. But I’m choosing to trust Him in the day to day and for the year to come. And I want to share what He’s teaching me in case you are needing to hear it too. He is good. In 2019. In 2020. For all eternity.

And because I want to make space for gratitude, always, let me just say that you can find something to be thankful for if you look for it. So looking back over the last year I am thankful for a new baby nephew, incredible friends - both the new and unexpected ones and the incredible ones I get to continue to do life with year after year, confidence, growth for my business, really cool opportunities to work with some amazing new people, a mostly healthy relationship with social media (except when I want to delete it because it feels too gross haha), a healthy and healed body, and last but definitely not least, this family of mine. Thankful doesn’t even feel like a big enough word.

Is reflecting hard for you? Do you make time for that in the new year? If so, what have you learned over the last year that you’re taking into 2020? I’d love to hear and learn from you!