It's Been a While...

It’s been almost two years since I wrote a blog post that was personal, sharing from the heart, and not just about a specific thing (reviews, homeschool, books, etc.). I share short little things on instagram regularly, but these long form posts have been long-neglected. That may be partly because of the time it takes to write, and the unlikelihood that people will actually take the time to read a longer form post, ha. But on a bigger level, it’s just been too intimidating to sit that long with my thoughts and write them out.

I’ve been in a love/hate relationship with social media and life on the internet for a while now. I think we all have been there at one point or another. I walked through a very hurtful situation a couple of years ago, and I hate admitting that it knocked the wind out of my sails as much as it did. I was hurt, embarrassed, angry, and I both never wanted to share too much of that online because it’s not the world’s business, and I didn’t want to say something that would be hurtful in return. I didn’t want to lash out and I didn’t want to write just to try to salvage possible damage to my reputation. I didn’t want to participate in the internet when I saw how it could be used in such a damaging and hurtful way. I didn’t like the potential I had to do the same.

I’m very proud of the things I have written and shared here. Going back and reading past posts, it’s so cool to see how the Lord brought me through things and the different things He has taught me. It’s awesome to see how He was preparing me for things to come. And I’m thankful I have been able to process and write and to share those things here to hopefully encourage others. But I am sad that I feel like I quit for a long time. I spiraled myself into this quiet place where I didn’t think my voice mattered. There is a time and a place for quiet, and I can see instances where the Lord called me to that. But other times, a lot of the time, the quietness was a result of fear.

The last few years have been a time of dismantling a lot of lies and acknowledging patterns of the flesh that I can easily get stuck in. Believing my voice didn’t matter, that I didn’t matter, because maybe I wasn’t the loudest, the funniest, the fill-in-the-blank-est was and is a lie. Thinking that I needed to choose my words so carefully and micro-manage my conversations to make sure my reputation as a “nice girl” was in tact…that was an ugly flesh pattern. It was no fun realizing that my reputation was an idol in my life. I spent way too much time thinking about myself and wanting validation from others instead of talking to Him and believing Him. Instead of letting Him be enough for me. I was able to see areas where I functioned out of my emotions instead of stepping back to see what was actually true. I made things about me that weren’t. The list goes on.

God has taught me so much about myself through a hard set of circumstances. And He is still teaching me. He is reminding me that the struggles will never be over on this side of Heaven, and that’s ok. He just wants me to trust Him in the struggle. He wants to create new patterns of thinking as He renews me, and as I take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Him. He is reminding me that it is okay to let others in all the way. He has shown me how to be a better friend. I’ve learned to trust His voice and seek Him first instead of needing someone else to tell me what to do or think. I am still working on not stressing about what someone else might think of me, but I’m better about it than I was. He has dismantled idols and false belief systems I had, and for that I am grateful.

Hard circumstances, hurts, failures….all of those things have the potential to ruin or refine us. And God promises to use them for our good, our refinement, as we love and trust Him. So that’s my encouragement today. Trust Him. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to be hurt by something you feel like you should be over. You don’t have to have it all figured out and wrapped in a nice little package. You don’t have to be embarrassed by what you struggle with. The Creator of the whole universe loves you and cares for you. He knows the hairs on your head and the hurts in your heart. He is so faithful and so good, and He loves you so deeply. Come to Him, you who are weary, and He will give you rest. Don’t be afraid…He has called you by name and you are His.