Hey, friends! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I can’t believe we are gearing up for Christmas which also means we are OFFICIALLY on baby watch! Whoa, wait..what? Yep, that’s right…just over 37 weeks pregnant right now. How in the world are we already at this point? Those first miserable weeks of pregnancy seem like that were only yesterday, but at the same time, they feel like another lifetime ago. Either way, I’ve reached the end of my final pregnancy journey and I go through every single emotion possible in 30 seconds flat. I can’t believe I am so close to looking into the eyes of my daughter and so close to watching my boys fall in love with their little sister (I’ve already warned them and Justin that she will have them wrapped around her finger in about 3 seconds).
Earlier in my pregnancy, I talked a little about choosing joy. So, today I thought I would do a follow up to that post; a part two. You see, the enemy doesn’t stop hitting us where we are vulnerable just because we own our struggles and vulnerability in a blog post. Nope — he’s waiting in the wings for the precise moment to remind us of worries and fears; waiting to steal our joy. I have so much to be grateful for, so many things to find joy in in this season, but in many moments I find myself full of worry, doubt, anxiety, and fear; pretty much anything besides joy. Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited to meet my daughter — the baby girl that has been growing, rolling, kicking, punching, and making me
a bit a lot uncomfortable. However, I’d be lying if I said that the excitement outweighed the worry all of the time; far from it actually.
Nearly every day for the last few weeks, someone has said something along the lines of “your due date is almost here!”, “oh my gosh, you could have her any day!”, or “you’re going to have a baby GIRL so soon!” My reply is usually a simple “I know!”, but inside I am a ball of anxious nerves and worry. The exact things that I struggle with have changed with each pregnancy, but they’re there nonetheless. What could I be worried about, you ask? These are some of the things that run through my head every night when I get into bed.
Who will watch the boys? What if I go into labor in the middle of the night or while the boys are at preschool? Please please please let me have time to get an epidural! How will the boys adjust to life with a little sister? Will I have enough energy, love, and patience to go around without someone feeling neglected or unloved? How will I handle THREE kids? Will I ever sleep again? Will Justin and I get a date night in the next year? Will labor go smoothly? How do I raise three children to be kind and brave in this screwed up, fallen world? I am so uncomfortable, but am I wishing this pregnancy away? One day I will find myself missing my bump and the kicks and rolls, and knowing that I won’t experience those things ever again is slightly terrifying (but so is the thought of doing this AGAIN).
Yep, all of that runs through my mind on a nightly basis in the course of about two minutes. I should know better. I DO know better. I know better because of Jesus, the One who defeated the enemy, the source of the fear and worry, once and for all. I know better because of my amazing, supportive husband who is walking with me hand-in-hand through this. I know better because of my tribe of friends (near and far) who love me, pray for me, and promise me wine when they come visit after the baby is born ;). I know better because of our loving families who lift us up daily and love us fiercely. I know better because when I look at the amazing pictures Hannah took of me and this bump, I am overcome to the point of tears thinking about how good and redeeming my God truly is and where He has brought me in life.
So, I am going into these last couple of weeks of this pregnancy with a better outlook and attitude. I am pressing into Jesus for my strength, knowing that I cannot do this without Him! I know that there’s no way around labor, I know there will be hard days and sleepless nights, Justin and I will turn into “the Bickersons” from time to time as we walk through marriage and parenthood together, our kids will hurt our feelings and we’ll hurt theirs. But, we will have each other, labor eventually ends with a cuddly little prize, we will laugh, we will be silly, we will make cinnamon rolls on Saturday mornings while we watch cartoons, and we will make memories. Most importantly, we will teach our babies about Jesus and how much He loves them, and we will pray that they would never know a day without Him.
As for this little girl that is coming sooner rather than later, she is already so incredibly loved and I know she is the missing piece to my family’s puzzle. I know everything will fall into place eventually and I will look back and wonder what all of the worry and fuss was about. So, I am choosing joy despite my worries. I am pushing back against the enemy that comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, and when he hits me in those vulnerable spots, I will remind myself that I am not in this alone. Joy does indeed come with the morning.